by Jeremy Brandon
(Tucson, Az, US)
Because of my emotional addictions, I left the only woman in 15 years that I truly loved and felt loved by in return. In '99 and 2000 I had two traumatic near death experiences. Out of those and other experiences in family, I obsessed over the meaning of life, love, self-worth and esteem, creating a negative perspective on life and my own self. For years I obsessed over these things and eventually created a dependency on negative emotions.
I saw the documentary years later, and passed it off as pseudo-science. A couple of years after that, I met the one woman that had truly changed my life. In one session of massage therapy, the floodgates were released, and it was an experience she had never seen before. We lived and loved for 1 1/2 great years. What I didn't see coming, and what she probably did, was that my emotional dependency demanded more than what she was capable of giving.
During our time together she asked me time and again to watch this documentary and I refused, thinking of course it was pretending science. Toward the end of the relationship we went to a psychologist to help sort our inter-personal problems, and I could not understand why the therapy sessions had revolved around my issues and began making judgments of her worth toward me. A month later, I ended the relationship out of my own selfish dependencies, thinking that I was being cast aside by her need for space when the reality was that I was pushing her away through my negative dependencies.
I kept on going to our therapist after our break-up and began a psychological journey and change in a very rapid amount of time. My therapist commented in just a week or two I progressed 10 sessions worth of therapy. I kept digging deeper into my sub-conscience when one day at my work, I re-canted all of the emotional traumas I had experienced, and how I dealt with them. I came to the realization that through that two-year traumatic period in my own attempts to deal with those emotions, I created negative associations and dependencies with many things in life. It was then that I made a google search on emotional addiction, and how I landed at this page. My story had come full circle, except that today we are not on talking terms. My hope is that I can be validated in my self-discovery by my therapist and ultimately her, too. Perhaps through forgiveness and just the simple notion of appreciation of each other, we can grow old together.
Probably the most scary thing of it all is that it took losing the person I still believe ( during and after our relationship and through my negative perspective on life) to be my soulmate to come to this realization, when her eyes were open the entire time.
I have been through my own psychological hell and back. I have already begun to make changes to make new and positive associations. I attend a Buddhist temple twice/ week for meditation and Tai Chi/ Qi Gong, taken steps to further my creative pursuits and plan to make occupational changes to help promote a better wellness.
In such short time, I have made leaps in my recovery. I sincerely hope that my story here will be seen by others - most of all, her. To tell anyone of how everything I've experienced in this life is connected with her, and only her, would take hours to explain.
It is without any emotional demand that I say that I love her, and that I wish I could tell her these things myself in hope of reconciliation. We are truly two remarkable people.
I love and miss you, Loving Lee.