Maybe a curse for a limited mind like mine
(Ceglie Messapica, Italy)
I'm a 27 year-old guy and I write from Italy. Hello to everyone again. It is my first thread on this forum and I think it is the right section to write in. I try to be as much concrete and short as possible.
I started to have very strange symptoms two years ago. Everything started to me when feeling very fatigued without any good reason; being at the university and living as a student made me thinking that it was normal because I was at the very end and up to take my master degree and because of an irregual diet which is normal for non local student living with other people and alone. However, that condition looked very unusual to me because even without eating (hyperbole) I was able to study and get very good results, hanging out with friends and partying untill late hours in the night. I also started to notice that my libido was rapidly decreasing. To be sincere, I started to notice very weak genitals and libido and I became deeply worried about it.
Arriving to summer and back to my hometown, I was feeling very strange and weak having everyday nausea . One afternoon I couldn't stand on my own and I went to bed. I had a huge headache and I saw a kind of "involution" of my genitals that was to me hard to believe. I started to feel my nervous system moving without control and especially some of my fingers. In addition, I couldn't sleep well for days and nights finding no refreshment. I didn't have any sexual energy anymore and I started to think all the worst thing in my mind so that I was up to explode.
I thought that I could have incurred in multiple sclerosis and I burst into tears with my parents. I also experienced memory loss moments and panic attacks that took me directly to the hospital. Doctors said that I had nothing to worry about. I told myself: "you're not crazy....". None was able to believe me. My dad started to think that I had mental issues and that i'm not ****ing normal and that I had to go out...find girls...get a job, make money and I could see all my problems solved with that and blablabla.
My mum only was just more open and made me sure that we had to investigate more. My family doctor told me that I had had perhaps a nervous breakdown after years of study and sacrificies. I was not satisfied about all the bull****
I was said at that time and I needed to investigate on my own. I've always been an explorer and an avid reader of occult science, essays about spirituality and very interested in philosophy and the questions about life and death.
I'm a very very curious person who is not able to stop thinking but, on the other hand, a guy who went with friends as much as possible, looking for girls and joyful to travel and spend time outside. However, I decided to be brave and to have a tarot reading, something that I would have never thought about to do because I believed wrong in terms of karma creation. The reader told me that it was my "head" that was all the time overthinking and that it was the problem and other things not important for this post.
Not satisfied again, one of my friend suggested me to have a vedic astrology reading with someone he knew and that was very realiable. I accepeted and I fixed the reading. The astrologer was incredible and gave me many precious insights, some of them very painful and others somehow relieving. However, he said,again, that it was my brain to cause such symptoms and that was nothing physical. I told him that was impossibile that my brain could move my nervous system in such a erratic way, or my heart to beat faster every second, or the ackes I had throughout the body....
I told him that I had been always healthy and very energetic. I was in trouble. Then, I decided to contact a psychiatrist who was also involved in spritual psychology activities. He was the only one who was believing me and told me that the symptoms were mere kundalini energy movements. We often met and he tried to help me to accept the event and try to cooperate with it, something that was really hard for me even thought it was something I had read about and so I wasn't totally ignorant about the process. However, time was passing and I was always tired but I had to go to job and do everything by myself.
I went to practice basketball but I couldn't play as before...I was nothing than an old crate compared to what I was before. Not to speak about my sexual energy (semen, genital power etc) that had been completely destroyed, deleted or I don't know what except all the theoretical stuffs such as sexual energy transmutation and rising, surrender to the process, having no control etc. Then, I decided to take a break and rest for some time since the last summer untill now. Some symptoms have thankfully improved such as extreme fatigue (even though I'm still fatigued), too much nervous movement, too much rapid thinking, too much strange thoughts (such as being gay etc.).
Anyway, some energy is flowing inside and outside of my body as if I was an heater: I can see my t-shirt subtly moving or if I take a piece of paper with my hands it moves as being moved by an hairdryer. Is it prana? is it kundalini? I don't know. I still also feel my heart to be disturbed and fatigued.... it's not peaceful anymore and I notice it when I go to the gym or when I do some physical movements for fitness even at home.My face looks always tired with huge bags under the eyes.
My sexual energy is still very low and it is hard to believe or to be real but my genitals became smaller and very limp. I beg you sorry for this particular.
I'm only 27 and I'm desperate...everyday I'm desperate because I don't feel the energetic and positive boy that I was before. I don't know what I have done but I'm not able to accept this condition of a sick young man. I'm all the time at home feeling quite tired or stuck even though I try to go to the gym.
Every source says that this force is an intelligent one and perhaps we cannot understand the whole process. Even so, I don't understand how someone can live in this larval state and do nothing. To have a women has become a dream to me. I'm also very worried about my heart and scared to have an heart attack or a collapse during some training.
I cannot ask you help because it is impossibile, as I understood, to be helped or to meet someone that can do something. Many sources say that it will last decade and all the things many of you already know. How to cope with it???? What to do??