There is no meaning in living or dying
Since I was 12 years old, I was trying to imagine what is one big nothing? Why I do exist and why life exists as we know it.
I was getting into deep meditation, my brain would freeze and I would feel light and without memory.
I was born as late child, with red hair, very bright skin and great sense for pain, cold, warm and never really like human touch. I was having true friends in my head, but not in my true earth life. I was always feeling disconnected and never really understood our human behavior, aggressiveness, drinking, drugs, sex is overrated, everything seemed to falls out of normal balance or better it was away too much about materialistic experience which made feel sick and shy for most part.
I had very strange relationship with my mother, tried to help, but she was depressed and not always loving mother, very much different what I expected from parent to be.
I have a brother and we have very little in common, actually I am afraid to talk aloud how I feel about humans, life, religion...
Speaking of religion I have problem with this since war started in Bosnia...Muslim, Orthodox, Catholics, never really understood the true meaning of believing in those books, as I always believed how can God write something and never appear among humans...or used humans to write and he/she never showed up...just never get this one...
Now as almost 40 I look younger, feel healthy, but very empty emotionally...never met someone as we call our soul mate, I am not ugly, but not attractive to man either...it seems like I am not what they expect from woman. I also feel presence of man and woman in this body, but speaking of sexual orientation I would be heterosexual.
Now I can hear sounds in my ears, feeling out of space, not too much into food, love to drink lemon juice, eat fruits, I just feel hungry for most part but do not like to eat what we have in our stores...
Few years ago I had a dreams about earthquakes, floods, death....it stopped now...I do not dream, I am struggling to find job, purpose in my life...I feel disconnected...also I have a big problem with my skin, cannot stay too long on the sun, sea it is just too salty for my skin, and have this rash that comes out time to time and goes away..