Full Circle

by Jeremy Brandon
(Tucson, Az, US)

Because of my emotional addictions, I left the only woman in 15 years that I truly loved and felt loved by in return. In '99 and 2000 I had two traumatic near death experiences. Out of those and other experiences in family, I obsessed over the meaning of life, love, self-worth and esteem, creating a negative perspective on life and my own self. For years I obsessed over these things and eventually created a dependency on negative emotions.

I saw the documentary years later, and passed it off as pseudo-science. A couple of years after that, I met the one woman that had truly changed my life. In one session of massage therapy, the floodgates were released, and it was an experience she had never seen before. We lived and loved for 1 1/2 great years. What I didn't see coming, and what she probably did, was that my emotional dependency demanded more than what she was capable of giving.

During our time together she asked me time and again to watch this documentary and I refused, thinking of course it was pretending science. Toward the end of the relationship we went to a psychologist to help sort our inter-personal problems, and I could not understand why the therapy sessions had revolved around my issues and began making judgments of her worth toward me. A month later, I ended the relationship out of my own selfish dependencies, thinking that I was being cast aside by her need for space when the reality was that I was pushing her away through my negative dependencies.

I kept on going to our therapist after our break-up and began a psychological journey and change in a very rapid amount of time. My therapist commented in just a week or two I progressed 10 sessions worth of therapy. I kept digging deeper into my sub-conscience when one day at my work, I re-canted all of the emotional traumas I had experienced, and how I dealt with them. I came to the realization that through that two-year traumatic period in my own attempts to deal with those emotions, I created negative associations and dependencies with many things in life. It was then that I made a google search on emotional addiction, and how I landed at this page. My story had come full circle, except that today we are not on talking terms. My hope is that I can be validated in my self-discovery by my therapist and ultimately her, too. Perhaps through forgiveness and just the simple notion of appreciation of each other, we can grow old together.

Probably the most scary thing of it all is that it took losing the person I still believe ( during and after our relationship and through my negative perspective on life) to be my soulmate to come to this realization, when her eyes were open the entire time.

I have been through my own psychological hell and back. I have already begun to make changes to make new and positive associations. I attend a Buddhist temple twice/ week for meditation and Tai Chi/ Qi Gong, taken steps to further my creative pursuits and plan to make occupational changes to help promote a better wellness.

In such short time, I have made leaps in my recovery. I sincerely hope that my story here will be seen by others - most of all, her. To tell anyone of how everything I've experienced in this life is connected with her, and only her, would take hours to explain.

It is without any emotional demand that I say that I love her, and that I wish I could tell her these things myself in hope of reconciliation. We are truly two remarkable people.

I love and miss you, Loving Lee.

Jere ox

Comments for Full Circle

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Heartfelt Compassion
by: Anna

Hi Jeremy,
thank you so much for sharing your experiences of how emotional addictions affected your life and your fabulous insights you have learned and grown from your experiences. Such an incredible experience with heartfelt resonating for anyone else who has gone through anything similar to experiences as you have been through.

I have been on both ends of similar experiences. I have ended relationships at certain times in my life that I felt I was outgrowing. Yet at the time I didn’t realize the deep wisdom of external reflection as guidance in those past times.

Jeremy, have you ever contemplated that maybe you and your soul mate may have even preplanned to meet and go through this before you both birthed into physical? This revelation can also put many pieces together too. I am quite sure that many more revelations will surely surface for you as you continue on your path. And do remember to share them with us because I am quite sure that others will be curious what enfolds for you too.

The most amazing knowledge I found so helpful was from the Essene teachings that Gregg Braden went into specifics about. That whatever we love so deeply in another as a soul mate, is what we ourselves are really longing to reconnect in ourselves. I think this may be what you went through, and the greatest thing is your search for understanding led you to learn so much through the process of your journey so far.

Also Jeremy, if you have it in your heartfelt focused intentions for Lee to connect in some way, and it IS part of your infinite or higher journey, the connection will unify, reconnect and become manifested. These 2 things are so exuberantly powerful, heartfelt focused intention and higher guidance intuition (which is not from old ego personality addiction), however from higher guidance.
Appreciative thanks for sharing,
Anna
re:Heartfelt Compassion
by: Jeremy

Hi Anna,

thank you for comments and kind words. I am not sure if the comments section is a good area to continue discussion, but I'll certainly do my best to answer your questions.

In answer to your first question, I've thought about it quite a bit, actually. For one, our meeting was by chance. Whether or not the relationship was intended just for that time, or for life, there's no way of telling. Although in meeting her, I knew that we were connected in an indescribable way. She mentioned a couple of times that she had these indistinct dreams about me before we even met and that she would ask for me in her meditations.

As for myself, I always had these sub-conscious notions of what she looked like, her talents, her faith, spirit, things like that, but in being an Atheist at the time, I don't think I was truly connected on her level of manifesting that awareness.

When you mentioned Gregg Braden's statement, it was, in fact, a revelation that I had come to during our relationship. I often wanted to be connected with her in her faith, spirituality, and way of life, but I think I was, for the most part, blinded by my extreme inability to be aware of and to control my emotions. During the past week, I've been writing this letter to her, and in it I came to the same revelation that "I spent time after that awakening fighting the admiration of what I wanted."

For years, I had been an Atheist. And for someone that does require positive attitudes, a healing environment and a support network of her higher power, I just wasn't in that same spiritual place. I won't deny, though, that what I wanted spiritually was laying dormant as well.

To make this more compelling, today I pulled from the shelf one of a few things I still had from our time together. Some time ago she had done a Tarot reading, and upon looking at her analysis of the reading it is spot on about the recent growth I had just made, the return to a higher power, new opportunity... etc. There's uncanny references in her reading that mirror things I mention in my letter that really stick out and they are not vague by any means.

In thinking about it, it would be fair to say that we were, or still are spiritually linked, or that something else is guiding me in this endeavor. Whether it's a higher power, or a simple matter of coincidence, I don't know.

When you responded and asked me those things, I was really surprised, especially after having those revelations on my own. I guess the scary part for me is not knowing when the right time comes to carry through with my best intentions and the outcome from it. The last thing I want to do is impose on her, regardless that my emotions are contained.

Thank you, Anna. Your insight seems to have validated much of the intangible things I've been thinking about. My hope is that I'm being guided toward a mutually positive, healthy outcome with everlasting inner peace. I definitely have hope for more.

Jeremy.
Keeping Intuned to Higher Power
by: Anna

Hi again Jeremy, though it's on the commenting section that we are discussing this, as you mentioned before it can be beneficial when others are going through similar things, so I appreciate your continued sharing of your experiences.

You have come to the realization that Lee was an inspirational key bond for you that has led you on this spiritual path. You are seeing that from the synchronicities and revelations you are experiencing. Especially the synch reflection of her past tarot card reading for you, combined with all the other revelations you are noticing. The more you continue to connect and take guidance from your higher power, more and more answers will surface while more and more pieces of the puzzle will come together too.

You also mentioned you were unsure if it’s coincidence or higher power. Once you uncover and reveal to experience for yourself that coincidence is actually synchronicity, which is joining and connecting energies. This also sheds insight into things happening by chance, once you see through the illusion of chance you will find again connecting energy. This dissolves any linger doubt also into realizing that everything does happen for an exuberant and deeper reasons too.

Also your wondering about knowing when it's the right time? You will know as it will show itself through genuine excitement and not anxiousness.

That's great contemplation of awareness on your part in realizing not to impose on her, because so many times without realizing it, ego emotions can sneak in and be a detour of self sabotage, and you have learned that from your past experiences.

This is the reason that continuing to work on a clear guidance connection to higher power or what I refer to as infinite or higher self knows far beyond the ego personality. The ego wants to rush things to be satisfied now, (key insight here is “want” versus “desire” (desire is from our soul/spirit purpose) So higher power will lead you to the best highest beneficial potential for Lee, and also for yourself.

Pure heart guidance is the best guidance because it’s from higher power/consciousness. And your desired intention you mentioned, “a mutually positive, healthy outcome with everlasting inner peace” I know you will because of all the work you have done so far and are continuing to do will lead you to those exact highest experiences. And you become those experiences, and the journey gets even more magnificent as it unfolds.
Anna

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